Nobody Puts Baby In the Casket

This morning i woke up next  to a complete stranger.  For the first time in 3 months, I've slept with a person that meant nothing to me. She is just the first of countless others that are to follow.  The hollowness i feel can only be filled temporary by indulgence in debauchery  . No more will my nights be laced with sincere expressions of love. Gone are the butterfly's and gone are the  rainbows. Now its just razorblades and gasoline.  

I wanted to lead a life with a woman by my side and to experience what it feels to actually live with someone. To get married, have children, you know, something to make my mother proud. But you see, my sex addiction is not exclusive to one person. I need multiple partners in my life. Theres a sheer joy i obtain by venturing to the isolated bars to find  desperate women who are lonely and want to experience love. 

But they confuse Love with Sex. They are  similar but separate things. One has nothing to do with the other.  Cue the charming handsome stranger that  lends their dreams with real authentically.  They melt like butter in a sponge of vague hope.  I buy them drinks, i drive them home. I let them know that their safe with me. I have done this every single night of 2009. And every single night, with someone new.  And i am ashamed.  

This blog is my confession. My S.A. meeting recommended this. Something to collect my thoughts and to vent about everything I've gone through. Its not my fault women are so attracted to me. I cant help the looks i get .  And the jealousy that ensues from their husbands and lovers.  I am not a depressed person, but i am human, and these heinous thoughts start to wear me down. It makes me think twice about my devious behavior. Id give anything for a permanent  solution, but the sweet smell of the sensual and perverted catapult me in very compromising positions. 

So I'm off the wagon and neck deep in pussy. I am hardly beside myself. Please this is a cry for help. My final plea before self destruction. Theres been so many lost weekends, so many broken promises, i took the plunge and all i have left is an empty bed filled by the only thing that has ever followed me home.