nausea aint what it used to be

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!

The world forgetting, by the world forgot.

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!

Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd"

Babymaker

breaking through into the waters heat

It wont be long, once done, it wont be wrong

Its impossible to understand

Theres no way of knowing and no way out

Take a breath and tear it out

Its not enough

As the sky gets nearer so does time

You’ll never know how much you left behind

The only way is down

How To Save California

Its been two weeks and the longer I'm on the road the more i have to keep repeating to myself that i am home.  Its all been happening so fast, Ive hardly had the time to communicate with  you, nevermind anyone else, about what exactly happened in philadelphia the other evening. 

Firstly i would like to express my gratitude to all the people who wrote me and told me how they felt. I know there really isnt anything anyone could say or do that would make this experience any lighter. But the fact that so many of my friends and family would even take the time to share their feelings was beyound belief. And for that, i thank you. 

Shes my favorite now and has been since my earliers days. There was a time when i honestly believed that i had not a friend in the world. Her kind voice would always find a way into my soul and things wouldent seem so distraught. And in my darkest hour she seemed to be the only one who knew i was telling the truth. Not even my own son could look  me in the eyes.

She has been in bed all this time but we did not want to write and tell you, several doctors have been in to see her, on of them said cancer. But you see, those doctors, they sit down fiction and they stare. Their choice of words speak mid nineteenth century medicine. Maggot, Leach, and Frog down the throat. I know these methods are harsh but in 1849, that's all we got. 

They told me not to tell anyone but she had a few last words. She said she loved you and she told me she still cared. If she ever finds the time to leave her place she will. She spoke of mainly mornings you and her would awake to the sound of mother, as she shuffled through her pots and pans trying in desperate fashion to get breakfast done before father got back from the fields.

But mother is gone and so is father. They just couldn't handle this planet it its present state.  This manifest destiny that is seemingly in our grasp, this fifty four forty or fight!, you speak of, i don't buy it. Only a certain type of person can handle those things. If there is a god, would he want us to take what wasn't ours. To take a man and remove him from his place he worked and lived and loved his whole life? 

I spoke to her but i reckon she'll be pushing up the grass shortly. I would go on but it only gets worse from here. I'm moving out west, where, i will establish a town and possibly become its mayor. With this paper and with this pen i will show you how to save California. And i will tell the locals, stories of back east and how it was for our fathers and what will become of their homes. I'm not doing this to spite you.

Nobody Puts Baby In the Casket

This morning i woke up next  to a complete stranger.  For the first time in 3 months, I've slept with a person that meant nothing to me. She is just the first of countless others that are to follow.  The hollowness i feel can only be filled temporary by indulgence in debauchery  . No more will my nights be laced with sincere expressions of love. Gone are the butterfly's and gone are the  rainbows. Now its just razorblades and gasoline.  

I wanted to lead a life with a woman by my side and to experience what it feels to actually live with someone. To get married, have children, you know, something to make my mother proud. But you see, my sex addiction is not exclusive to one person. I need multiple partners in my life. Theres a sheer joy i obtain by venturing to the isolated bars to find  desperate women who are lonely and want to experience love. 

But they confuse Love with Sex. They are  similar but separate things. One has nothing to do with the other.  Cue the charming handsome stranger that  lends their dreams with real authentically.  They melt like butter in a sponge of vague hope.  I buy them drinks, i drive them home. I let them know that their safe with me. I have done this every single night of 2009. And every single night, with someone new.  And i am ashamed.  

This blog is my confession. My S.A. meeting recommended this. Something to collect my thoughts and to vent about everything I've gone through. Its not my fault women are so attracted to me. I cant help the looks i get .  And the jealousy that ensues from their husbands and lovers.  I am not a depressed person, but i am human, and these heinous thoughts start to wear me down. It makes me think twice about my devious behavior. Id give anything for a permanent  solution, but the sweet smell of the sensual and perverted catapult me in very compromising positions. 

So I'm off the wagon and neck deep in pussy. I am hardly beside myself. Please this is a cry for help. My final plea before self destruction. Theres been so many lost weekends, so many broken promises, i took the plunge and all i have left is an empty bed filled by the only thing that has ever followed me home.